I don’t love my husband. I don’t hate
him either. I don’t want to be alone and I’m complacent. It helps that
we are not in a romantic marriage. He’s a roommate pretty much. So,
there’s a lot more stuff that I’d put up with from a roommate than a
husband. This helps quite a bit.
Let me start with some introductions. I’m Annie, age 38 and white. My husband has a nickname made from his first initial and last name. Everyone calls him Dart. He’s 56 and black. We’re both ex-cons.
Dart does a lot of things no woman should have to put up with. But he doesn’t do quite enough for me to leave him right now. Maybe you can decide if I’m right about this?
Our saga starts three years ago (three years!!) but let me start with today and we’ll fill in the blanks later. Today I didn’t get called into work so I had the whole day to look at our finances and get bothered about them.
My girlfriend Rachel said I should make money off my life story. I don’t know anything about writing memoirs, but I’ve always kept a diary. Rachel said I could make money by making that diary a blog and making it public.
I’m not so sure about this, but here I am trying. I love the idea of telling my story. The stuff that happened in the past should be documented, but also just the craziness of today. I mean, every day is new craziness. You should hear about it!
For instance, my husband didn’t work yesterday so it seems like he had the whole day to think up stupid ideas. When I got home from work he told me that we should go to the whorehouse in Pahrump and have a threeway with a hooker.
I haven’t lost you, have I? Let me tell you, this is as stupid as an idea as you think it is. It was stupid of him just to say it. I know he wasn’t serious, but with Dart there’s always a ploy. He doesn’t seriously want to go get a hooker, but he did want to get into a fight with me. Now I have to wonder, why did he want to get into a fight? He wants to fight so that I’ll do something for him in order to get the peace back. I’m all about peace. I make it very hard for him to get me to fight. It bothers me when we fight and he knows it. He has to come up with drastic actions like this to make it happen.
Now several years ago I was in a bad place emotionally. I hated myself and that hate came out onto others very easily. If he had suggested this back then I would have made a sour disgusted face and insulted him for being such a sick creep. I might have even slapped him. That would have rewarded me with a night full of a chest tight with painful emotion. He would have gotten the rise out of me he wanted without batting an eye.
In the here and now I can actually be very rational. Why did I need to get angry over his stupid suggestion? We can’t afford it anyway.
"Those brothels are incredibly expensive," I said.
"Would you do it if we could afford it?" he said. And he says it fast because he’s already rehearsed everything I’m going to say and what he’s going to respond with in his head.
"Dart, I’m not going to a brothel. Not now. Not ever. Now, if *you* want to go to the brothel, go right ahead. I have no problem with that and you know it’s the truth."
People, it really is the truth. I don’t have the kind of feelings for this man where I would get jealous. My only concern about him having other women is if he catches something he might be able to give to me. That’s a non-issue with the legal brothels. The girls are tested clean and they follow safe-sex practices. It’s the least riskiest place for him to get his rocks off if he really needs to.
"So you’re saying I can go?"
"Yep. Now. Later. Any time in the future. You don’t need to ask me and you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want."
And then it happens. The whole point to all of this.
"So obviously you mean to give me the money to go do this. Cause obviously you know I don’t have a penny to my name and you wouldn’t be enticing me with this unless you meant to pay it. Let me get your purse."
"I’m not giving you any money."
Dart gets angry now, but he’s not an angry man. I really think he pretends getting angry half the time just to get what he wants. He sort of gets angry like Seinfeld does. Never yelling, just getting animated and having his voice go up in pitch. He’s always acting like it’s obvious that I’m wronging him and the way I’m wronging him is so outrageous he’s shocked.
"Why in THE HELL would you say to a man with no money to go on to a brothel if you didn’t plan on giving me one damn red cent? You know I’m broke. Do you not know that?"
I fume. We’ve argued so much along this theme. There’s nothing I can say that would be new. Oh wait…there was one thing.
"You should be grateful I’m saying you can go. How many wives are open to that? Now you have the audacity to expect me to pay for it too?"
HA! He hates when I use the ‘how dare you’ type argument against him. That’s his thing, not mine.
"Audacity?"
Dart often repeats things I’ve said to stall while coming up with a reply. His next tactic, as you’ll see, is to go back and rewrite history where he’s the victim and I’m the oppressor.
"No, no, no. Now look. Look…"
Repeating himself is another stalling tactic.
"Listen, listen—I’m having a rough time. Then you offer me this and you gonna play this game? After you offered?"
"I didn’t offer you shit." I have to say this with a laugh and a smile because he knows damn well its true.
"Excuse me?" He smiles too. It’s a weird argument.
"Why are you having a rough time?"
"Why am I having a rough time?" He says this with outrage, as if I should know why. Also he’s stalling again, because he’s not having a rough time. His life is better than its ever been.
"I’m a taxi driver in Las Vegas Nevada and you got to ask me why I’m having a rough time?"
"Yeah. You didn’t work the last two days. Why are you having a rough time?"
"Didn’t work the last two days?!"
"What? Did you sneak out in the middle of the night?"
"Look. First off, I’m broke. Second off, I mean, come on—"
"You’re broke because you haven’t been working."
"Excuse me?"
I could also bring up the tired old spiel about how he wastes his money like it’s going to catch fire if it stays in his wallet. He doesn’t look for a new fare after dropping off his last fare. He looks for a 7/11 to spend his tip. All his tips go for cigarettes and coffee. Cigarettes are expensive and he smokes a lot more when he’s working (I don’t let him smoke in the house).
Dart still thinks cigarettes are cool. He was in prison 16 years and hasn’t woken up to how smelly and unhealthy they are. Somehow he thinks standing somewhere smoking is much cooler than just standing, and God help him if he’s ever out of cigarettes in a casino. He takes slow drags and holds the cigarette in his thumb and forefinger. He makes a little hsst noise when he blows out the smoke sometimes. He thinks that it is the epitome of coolness to say, “You know something, Annie?” and then make me wait while he takes a slow drag of his cigarette before continuing.
I digress. Dart works three days a week. Sometimes only two. Sometimes up to four. It depends how well he does at poker that week. His checks run between $140 to $210. All that money, every single dollar, he spends on himself. He contributes ZERO to the household.
ZERO.
Wait. That’s a lie. There was one thing, which seriously makes me cringe. I asked him to pick up groceries once. We had nothing and I stopped stocking the fridge. He had to buy food or he would go hungry. He came home with a trunk full of groceries. He was incredibly pleased with himself (even though he bought way too many bags of cheese puffs). I was pleased too, but I knew this cost more money than he had. I had to ask.
He bought a $200 SNAP card from someone for $50.
UGH. Seriously. He’s on probation and he did this. Besides that, SNAP is foodstamps and foodstamps does not pay much. This was the monthly benefits for a family of four. Probably two of those four were children. Had some mother sold her children’s food to buy drugs? I didn’t even want to think about it. I told him never to do it again and I never asked him to buy food again.
I pay all the bills. We live in a mobile home that’s paid in full, but still has a $283 a month in lot rent and property taxes. It was his dad’s mobile home, which is why he thinks he’s allowed not to contribute. Expenses are low, just lot rent, electric, Internet, car insurance, food, gas, and occasionally other things. I have a car that’s paid off. He doesn’t.
I just pay the bills and don’t bicker about it. It’s not really fair, but I like where we live and I figure I probably save $500 a month over living in an apartment. If I had to rent some place I could never save any money. I save voraciously.
What he wants is for me to pay the bills *and* give him money. The money I save goes into a black hole as far as he’s concerned. Knowing that it exists just irks him. He needs to spend it.
I don’t give him any money. He has a damn job and no expenses. For God’s sake, why can’t he save money? I just don’t get it. It’s like he’s desperate to spend to the last penny the second he gets paid. Then he’s broke and begins his neverending quest: how to get money from the wife.
I’ve started my own quest. The quest to buy and RV and live in it traveling around the country.
Traveling *without* him of course. This can’t go on forever. The plan right now is to get divorced after his probation is up in two years. We’ve discussed this, but he believes as long as we don’t talk about it for a long time it’s not actually happening. I want to save up as much as I can until it’s go time. It would be great if I could also find a way to make up for the money Dart doesn’t contribute.
He won’t share, but I can share *him*. That’s what this blog is. I’m going to ask you people to please use my affiliate link when you make a purchase on Amazon. We all buy stuff on Amazon anyway, right? If you can click my link first then you can support me without actually paying me anything. If you are entertained, even if you’re annoyed but still want to read, can you please show your support by letting me get a cut from what you buy off Amazon?
Please use my affiliate link for when you buy off Amazon:
http://amazon.com/?_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=ur2&tag=luvls-20&linkId=MI6JFVLF4GRD7ODQ
"Look. It seems like you have a problem, you know, with your physicality, and I’m trying to bring you out, open you up. It’s for your health, and also, just, you know, for the health of the marriage, you know what I’m saying? I’m just trying to come up with solutions."
Again, I don’t remember word for word, but that’s the gist of it. He’s trying to change the subject from his insane/selfish spending to make it a problem about me again. We haven't had sex in a while. He didn't show any interest, and I can take it or leave it.
"What? You want to have sex?" I said.
This makes him extra careful. You see, it’s obvious he’s lost his latest ‘try to get money out of her’ scam, but now sex is on the table. He gets humble real quick.
"Are you *offering* sex?"
I shrugged and said, “Sure, why not.” This ends it. It shuts him up, and it ends his campaign for today. For the record, I don’t mind having sex with him. Part of the reason I married him was because I didn’t mind him touching me. This was a big deal for me back then. I still don’t mind. I’ll even admit it’s enjoyable.
But I don’t love him. I don’t think I ever did. Not even the day we got married when we were both still incarcerated. This past history and much more will come out in later posts. I hope people will care to read it, and I’d love to hear from any of you that do.
Let me start with some introductions. I’m Annie, age 38 and white. My husband has a nickname made from his first initial and last name. Everyone calls him Dart. He’s 56 and black. We’re both ex-cons.
Dart does a lot of things no woman should have to put up with. But he doesn’t do quite enough for me to leave him right now. Maybe you can decide if I’m right about this?
Our saga starts three years ago (three years!!) but let me start with today and we’ll fill in the blanks later. Today I didn’t get called into work so I had the whole day to look at our finances and get bothered about them.
My girlfriend Rachel said I should make money off my life story. I don’t know anything about writing memoirs, but I’ve always kept a diary. Rachel said I could make money by making that diary a blog and making it public.
I’m not so sure about this, but here I am trying. I love the idea of telling my story. The stuff that happened in the past should be documented, but also just the craziness of today. I mean, every day is new craziness. You should hear about it!
For instance, my husband didn’t work yesterday so it seems like he had the whole day to think up stupid ideas. When I got home from work he told me that we should go to the whorehouse in Pahrump and have a threeway with a hooker.
I haven’t lost you, have I? Let me tell you, this is as stupid as an idea as you think it is. It was stupid of him just to say it. I know he wasn’t serious, but with Dart there’s always a ploy. He doesn’t seriously want to go get a hooker, but he did want to get into a fight with me. Now I have to wonder, why did he want to get into a fight? He wants to fight so that I’ll do something for him in order to get the peace back. I’m all about peace. I make it very hard for him to get me to fight. It bothers me when we fight and he knows it. He has to come up with drastic actions like this to make it happen.
Now several years ago I was in a bad place emotionally. I hated myself and that hate came out onto others very easily. If he had suggested this back then I would have made a sour disgusted face and insulted him for being such a sick creep. I might have even slapped him. That would have rewarded me with a night full of a chest tight with painful emotion. He would have gotten the rise out of me he wanted without batting an eye.
In the here and now I can actually be very rational. Why did I need to get angry over his stupid suggestion? We can’t afford it anyway.
"Those brothels are incredibly expensive," I said.
"Would you do it if we could afford it?" he said. And he says it fast because he’s already rehearsed everything I’m going to say and what he’s going to respond with in his head.
"Dart, I’m not going to a brothel. Not now. Not ever. Now, if *you* want to go to the brothel, go right ahead. I have no problem with that and you know it’s the truth."
People, it really is the truth. I don’t have the kind of feelings for this man where I would get jealous. My only concern about him having other women is if he catches something he might be able to give to me. That’s a non-issue with the legal brothels. The girls are tested clean and they follow safe-sex practices. It’s the least riskiest place for him to get his rocks off if he really needs to.
"So you’re saying I can go?"
"Yep. Now. Later. Any time in the future. You don’t need to ask me and you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want."
And then it happens. The whole point to all of this.
"So obviously you mean to give me the money to go do this. Cause obviously you know I don’t have a penny to my name and you wouldn’t be enticing me with this unless you meant to pay it. Let me get your purse."
"I’m not giving you any money."
Dart gets angry now, but he’s not an angry man. I really think he pretends getting angry half the time just to get what he wants. He sort of gets angry like Seinfeld does. Never yelling, just getting animated and having his voice go up in pitch. He’s always acting like it’s obvious that I’m wronging him and the way I’m wronging him is so outrageous he’s shocked.
"Why in THE HELL would you say to a man with no money to go on to a brothel if you didn’t plan on giving me one damn red cent? You know I’m broke. Do you not know that?"
I fume. We’ve argued so much along this theme. There’s nothing I can say that would be new. Oh wait…there was one thing.
"You should be grateful I’m saying you can go. How many wives are open to that? Now you have the audacity to expect me to pay for it too?"
HA! He hates when I use the ‘how dare you’ type argument against him. That’s his thing, not mine.
"Audacity?"
Dart often repeats things I’ve said to stall while coming up with a reply. His next tactic, as you’ll see, is to go back and rewrite history where he’s the victim and I’m the oppressor.
"No, no, no. Now look. Look…"
Repeating himself is another stalling tactic.
"Listen, listen—I’m having a rough time. Then you offer me this and you gonna play this game? After you offered?"
"I didn’t offer you shit." I have to say this with a laugh and a smile because he knows damn well its true.
"Excuse me?" He smiles too. It’s a weird argument.
"Why are you having a rough time?"
"Why am I having a rough time?" He says this with outrage, as if I should know why. Also he’s stalling again, because he’s not having a rough time. His life is better than its ever been.
"I’m a taxi driver in Las Vegas Nevada and you got to ask me why I’m having a rough time?"
"Yeah. You didn’t work the last two days. Why are you having a rough time?"
"Didn’t work the last two days?!"
"What? Did you sneak out in the middle of the night?"
"Look. First off, I’m broke. Second off, I mean, come on—"
"You’re broke because you haven’t been working."
"Excuse me?"
I could also bring up the tired old spiel about how he wastes his money like it’s going to catch fire if it stays in his wallet. He doesn’t look for a new fare after dropping off his last fare. He looks for a 7/11 to spend his tip. All his tips go for cigarettes and coffee. Cigarettes are expensive and he smokes a lot more when he’s working (I don’t let him smoke in the house).
Dart still thinks cigarettes are cool. He was in prison 16 years and hasn’t woken up to how smelly and unhealthy they are. Somehow he thinks standing somewhere smoking is much cooler than just standing, and God help him if he’s ever out of cigarettes in a casino. He takes slow drags and holds the cigarette in his thumb and forefinger. He makes a little hsst noise when he blows out the smoke sometimes. He thinks that it is the epitome of coolness to say, “You know something, Annie?” and then make me wait while he takes a slow drag of his cigarette before continuing.
I digress. Dart works three days a week. Sometimes only two. Sometimes up to four. It depends how well he does at poker that week. His checks run between $140 to $210. All that money, every single dollar, he spends on himself. He contributes ZERO to the household.
ZERO.
Wait. That’s a lie. There was one thing, which seriously makes me cringe. I asked him to pick up groceries once. We had nothing and I stopped stocking the fridge. He had to buy food or he would go hungry. He came home with a trunk full of groceries. He was incredibly pleased with himself (even though he bought way too many bags of cheese puffs). I was pleased too, but I knew this cost more money than he had. I had to ask.
He bought a $200 SNAP card from someone for $50.
UGH. Seriously. He’s on probation and he did this. Besides that, SNAP is foodstamps and foodstamps does not pay much. This was the monthly benefits for a family of four. Probably two of those four were children. Had some mother sold her children’s food to buy drugs? I didn’t even want to think about it. I told him never to do it again and I never asked him to buy food again.
I pay all the bills. We live in a mobile home that’s paid in full, but still has a $283 a month in lot rent and property taxes. It was his dad’s mobile home, which is why he thinks he’s allowed not to contribute. Expenses are low, just lot rent, electric, Internet, car insurance, food, gas, and occasionally other things. I have a car that’s paid off. He doesn’t.
I just pay the bills and don’t bicker about it. It’s not really fair, but I like where we live and I figure I probably save $500 a month over living in an apartment. If I had to rent some place I could never save any money. I save voraciously.
What he wants is for me to pay the bills *and* give him money. The money I save goes into a black hole as far as he’s concerned. Knowing that it exists just irks him. He needs to spend it.
I don’t give him any money. He has a damn job and no expenses. For God’s sake, why can’t he save money? I just don’t get it. It’s like he’s desperate to spend to the last penny the second he gets paid. Then he’s broke and begins his neverending quest: how to get money from the wife.
I’ve started my own quest. The quest to buy and RV and live in it traveling around the country.
Traveling *without* him of course. This can’t go on forever. The plan right now is to get divorced after his probation is up in two years. We’ve discussed this, but he believes as long as we don’t talk about it for a long time it’s not actually happening. I want to save up as much as I can until it’s go time. It would be great if I could also find a way to make up for the money Dart doesn’t contribute.
He won’t share, but I can share *him*. That’s what this blog is. I’m going to ask you people to please use my affiliate link when you make a purchase on Amazon. We all buy stuff on Amazon anyway, right? If you can click my link first then you can support me without actually paying me anything. If you are entertained, even if you’re annoyed but still want to read, can you please show your support by letting me get a cut from what you buy off Amazon?
Please use my affiliate link for when you buy off Amazon:
http://amazon.com/?_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=ur2&tag=luvls-20&linkId=MI6JFVLF4GRD7ODQ
"Look. It seems like you have a problem, you know, with your physicality, and I’m trying to bring you out, open you up. It’s for your health, and also, just, you know, for the health of the marriage, you know what I’m saying? I’m just trying to come up with solutions."
Again, I don’t remember word for word, but that’s the gist of it. He’s trying to change the subject from his insane/selfish spending to make it a problem about me again. We haven't had sex in a while. He didn't show any interest, and I can take it or leave it.
"What? You want to have sex?" I said.
This makes him extra careful. You see, it’s obvious he’s lost his latest ‘try to get money out of her’ scam, but now sex is on the table. He gets humble real quick.
"Are you *offering* sex?"
I shrugged and said, “Sure, why not.” This ends it. It shuts him up, and it ends his campaign for today. For the record, I don’t mind having sex with him. Part of the reason I married him was because I didn’t mind him touching me. This was a big deal for me back then. I still don’t mind. I’ll even admit it’s enjoyable.
But I don’t love him. I don’t think I ever did. Not even the day we got married when we were both still incarcerated. This past history and much more will come out in later posts. I hope people will care to read it, and I’d love to hear from any of you that do.
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